


his inner demons

by squishymochisoo



Category: GOT7
Genre: !!, Anger, Angst, Choi Youngjae-centric, Just very sad, M/M, Multi, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, pure angst, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-04-17 09:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14185734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishymochisoo/pseuds/squishymochisoo
Summary: hang in therehang in thereyou can do itI know it seems like there’s no point in everythingbut youngjae you have to hang in theregive them your brightest smileshow them that you’re finethat everything is perfectshow them that you’re worth it





	1. ONE

**Author's Note:**

> please tell me how this is! i'm not sure to continue of not. i really love angst so yea! and do leave me some feedback too! i really appreciate it !:)

_hang in there_

__

__

_hang in there_

_you can do it_

_I know it seems like there’s no point in everything_

_but youngjae you have to hang in there_

_give them your brightest smile_

_show them that you’re fine_

_that everything is perfect_

_show them that you’re worth it_

youngjae whispers to himself over and over, as it was a mantra. as the camera director clapped the slate to show that they started recording, youngjae faked his best smile. 

a smile he used too much these few days. a smile he was very familiar with.

he smiles straight at the camera as they introduce themselves. the interview was nothing that important. all seven of them were just sat with one interviewer- who youngjae felt was asking too many prodding questions. questions that seemed a little uncomfortable. 

“youngjae?” the interviewer questioned, which made all the other six of his members to turn to his direction. youngjae’s eyes widened as he realized he hasn’t been listening. 

“er.. sorry i zoned out for a minute. could you repeat the question?” youngjae faked chuckled. before the interviewer could repeat the question, jaebum interrupted. 

“pay attention youngjae is that so hard?” jaebum joked. to any other person, you would think he’s joking. but youngjae knew it was the exact opposite of joking. the interviewer giggled and repeated the question.

“i said it must be hard to keep up with the group right?” the interviewer questioned. youngjae blinked and leaned forward towards the interviewer.

“i’m sorry what?” youngjae stuttered out. 

‘she couldn’t be asking what i think she is right?’ youngjae thought. 

“i mean they dance better than you and the look better than you. so it must be hard to keep up with them right?” the women questioned. youngjae’s eyes widened. 

_what the fuck am i supposed to reply to that_

“oh – er- yes i struggled at first. but i’m getting better.” youngjae managed to say.

“getting better? oh well i wonder how bad you were then.” the women retorted. youngjae faked a smile, his eyes stung. youngjae looked around the room trying to keep his tears in. 

the other members didn’t say anything and continued with the interview. 

youngjae spent the while interview nodding and trying not to cry as the interviewer took more stabs at youngjae. 

as she wrapped up the interview, the boys went to collect their belongings from their dressing room and headed out as the walked towards their ride home.

all youngjae wanted to do was drown himself under the shower and lie in bed. 

but of course, the others had to bring up what happened in the interview. 

“youngjae, what was that. why weren’t you paying attention and why didn’t you talk at all.” jaebum asked strictly. 

“didn’t you hear the question she asked? wasn’t that too rude of a question?” youngjae questioned everyone. of course what he didn’t expect was jackson’s reply.

“but it was true? and everyone knows that. why was it such a shock to you?” youngjae swallowed, grinding his teeth in anger. 

“no it was a very rude question to ask. it’s okay youngjae.” jinyoung intercepted and shut the conversation down. 

“no, it was a simple question. but at least you didn’t say you were better than us.” jaebum chuckled with the other members. 

youngjae kept his silence and turned towards the car door, deciding to just stare out the window. he felt a hand on his thigh and looked up at the person. jinyoung forced a tight lipped smile. youngjae nodded his head, understanding the message jinyoung was conveying to him.

_‘it’s okay’_

 

_was it okay? everyone agreed that i am the worst looking, the worst dancer. i mean i don’t think my vocals are that good either. why am i even here. the interviewer did call me fat. am i really? but i’ve been dieting for the past month._

__

_what is wrong with me, of course none of this are true._

_yes- yes they’re true, let’s face it you suck. you probably got in the group by sheer luck.  
_ _yea maybe it was just luck_

_you just a worthless, talentless person_

_maybe i don’t deserve to be here_


	2. TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when youngjae starts listening to his inner demons

youngjae stared at the mirror, the mirror he stared at every day, every nights and mornings.

 but today, his thoughts that flooded his mind was more negative.

 

 

his thoughts today was filled with self-hatred. the first time he ever felt this way. he stared at his pale face in the mirror wishing the person staring back at him wasn’t him. he never felt disgusted about his face, but today was different. everything was different today.

 

youngjae looked down in shame. his eyes slightly glancing at his empty pale wrists.

 

_no youngjae. you can’t do this. you don’t have to listen to the bullshit they feed you._

_c’mon youngjae why would they lie about such stuff_

_youngjae, don’t do this to yourself. think about you and your friends and family._

_do you really think they care youngjae? do you think you’re so worth it?_

_don’t give in youngjae, they’re just lies_

_but you know they’re true right youngjae? so they can’t be lies._

 

youngjae breathed. as his right hand reached out for the razor that laid on the sink counter.

 

 

_no youngjae. no, please don’t stoop that low. you are important._

_hmph important? sure whatever you want to believe._

a tear slid down his cheeks. he grabbed the razor without realizing it. putting it against his wrists. he sniffled.

‘i’m sorry’ he whispered as he glided the razor across.

 

once. twice and one last time.

 

_it’s okay you deserved it_

_no you don’t youngjae._

‘no i do deserve it.’ he scoffed. he felt better as he watched as his blood poured out.

 

“youngjae hyung? you in there? you’ve been in there for quite some time.” a knock followed by yugyeom’s voice echoed.

 

“oh! i’ll be out soon! sorry.” youngjae sniffled at he quickly cleaned up and washed his new scars. youngjae opened the door to find yugyeom waiting outside.

 

“sorry about that.” youngjae apologized. yugyeom smiled.

 

“no it’s okay hyung. just needed to check if you’re okay.” yugyeom smiled as he went in the toilet.

 

 

_how pathetic, he can’t even leave you be for 15 minutes without checking if you’ve fucked up. congrats._

_he asked out of concern youngjae, why would he think of you like that?_

_‘i wish it was out of concern’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!i hoped you all enjoyed this chapter! please to leave a feedback on how you like it! i really appreciate reading feedback on my works!:) and while waiting for an update maybe check out my other works? although the other two are seventeen but thanks for reading! :)


	3. THREE

“youngjae?” someone muttered while shaking him. youngjae groaned. youngjae barely got any sleep last night as his inner thoughts bickered and fought.

 

“wake up youngjae.” the voice’s arms tickled him. youngjae squirmed

“but it’s too earlyyy hyung.” youngjae whined. suddenly he was pulled up by mark.

 

“i made you your favourite! now get upp!” as mark said those words, youngjae was up and was on his feet.

 

“really? thanks hyung!” and suddenly youngjae was gone. mark smiled as he heard the padding of youngjae’s steps echo in the house.

 

“hmmm hyung dissihdelicosua” youngjae said as he stuffed his mouth with the strawberry pancakes mark made.

 

“youngjae, swallow your food first” mark giggled.

 

“sorry hyung, i said this is delicious!” youngjae smiled widely. mark hummed in response as he told youngjae to quickly take a shower.

 

_see he cares about you youngjae_

 

_maybe this is a scheme to get you to trust him_

 

_youngjae, even you know that’s a stretch_

 

‘ _i mean hyung would never do that’_

 

_how would you know youngjae? you can never be too cautious_

 

youngjae’s breathing quickened as he thought about his hyungs just pretending.

 

_‘no of course not why would he do that’_

 

as his inner thoughts continued to bicker, youngjae suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. he heart was beating so fast and his brain could not comprehend anything that was going on in the shower.

 

_take a deep breath youngjae, relax._

 

youngjae took one deep breath and closed his eyes as if meditating. he slowly calmed down and decided to get out of the shower.

 

youngjae walked towards the living room, to see jinyoung and jaebum watching the tv.

 

“youngjae?” jinyoung’s voice echoed. which made youngjae look up from his feet. jinyoung patted the seat next to him, motioning youngjae to sit beside him. youngjae dragged his tired feet towards the two.

 

youngjae sat himself down. youngjae wouldn’t lie it was suddenly uncomfortable. suddenly, youngjae was pulled towards jinyoung’s embrace, with jinyoung’s hand wrapped on youngjae’s shoulder.

 

“youngjae, are you okay? you look pale.” youngjae looked at jaebum and cracked a forced smile.

 

“did you sleep late again? i told you it was bad for you.”

 

_‘starving yourself at times and hurting myself is bad for me too. but i’m not stopping anytime soon’ youngjae’s thought and scoffed._

“jaejae, you sure you’re okay right?” he nodded and looked away from jaebum. it was getting to uncomfortable for him and there was this tension that laid in the room. suddenly, jinyoung moved and walked towards the kitchen.

without realizing it youngjae whined from the lost of contact.

 

“i’ll be back i swear.” jinyoung smiled.

 

“youngjae,i want to apologized about yesterday, i know i was too harsh, i was really tired yesterday, and the managers were nagging me yesterday. i’m sorry” jaebum stated.

 

_wow not even an reassurance that you’re not the black hole of the group? maybe it is true._

_youngjae, he’s apologizing, isn’t that good? he cares!_

“oh, it’s no problem hyung, i’m fine.” youngjae faked a chuckle.

 

‘ _no i’m not fine’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! i hope this chapter was good! although it was short i'm sorry!! o(╥﹏╥)o but i'm trying to update almost everyday! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ do leave me a feedback and comment!! i'll reply i swear!! talk to me too!! i'm feeling lonely! ●︿●  
> also! those who use tumblr here, would you like me to make a tumblr specifically for imagines/oneshots? do let me know! uwu


	4. FOUR

youngjae laid in bed, the sun that rose hours ago shining down on him through their thin curtains. the dorm was surprisingly quiet. it was finally a day off from late night practices.

 

youngjae blinked, eyebrows furrowed. it eerily quiet. youngjae slowly got up and trudged towards the door.

 

“hyungs? yuggie? bam?” youngjae whispered around as he walked into every room to find it all empty. he looked around the room and double checked under the bed and behind curtain. youngjae ran to get his phone on his bed.

nothing. no messages.

 

“mark hyung?”

“hyung where are you?” youngjae shouted.

 

_hah they must have left you. that’s hilarious._

_jae, they would never do that. don’t jump to conclusions._

_they didn’t even tell you anything. you’re not even one of them_

_that’s nonsense! youngjae, you’ve been friends we’ve them from years! you guys have gone through so much together. you guys are basically family._

_do they treat you like family though? is this the place you can call home?_

_yes youngjae! they treat you like their own little brother and love you._

_youngjae, look at your wrists. do you think, they love you and treat you like family, when they never even noticed your scars?_

_‘you’re right’_

youngjae sobbed out as the tears that were threatening to fall finally made its way down his cheeks. his feet took him towards the direction of the bathroom.

 

youngjae crashed on the floor as he screamed out in frustration. his tears never flowing.

 

_do it youngjae, do it_

_youngjae, please, not again, don’t_

 youngjae choked back a sob as he reached out towards his razor. this time his thighs was the victim. without thinking straight, youngjae slit one after the other.

 

_stop youngjae! stop you’re bleeding too much!_

_why stop, you’re already too far ahead to stop._

_youngjae! wake up! you’re going to faint from that!_

_fainting and escaping reality sounds good huh?_

youngjae stopped, and blinked. taking a deep breath, he looked down at his thighs before more streams of tears fell down his cheeks. blood wouldn’t stop rushing out.

 

at this very time a group of loud voice was heard, entering the house.

 

“youngjae? where are you?” jinyoung’s voice was heard. youngjae’s breath hitched, he tried to wash off the blood, but the stream of blood wouldn’t stop flowing. his felt lightheaded.

 

“hy-u” youngjae tried to shout back through his sobs.

 

“hyung!” youngjae managed to shout out loud. the bathroom door crashed open, jaebum slamming the door open with the others trailing after, with jackson holding a blue cake that said ‘cheer up and stay bright’, that went unnoticed by youngjae.

 

but the mood outside the was the exact opposite what was going inside. the chatters from the rest slowly quietened down as the rest caught their eyes on youngjae.

 

“jae! holy fuck.” jaebum whispered as he grabbed onto youngjae trying to stop the bleeding. jaebum and jinyoung helped to patch up youngjae, youngjae’s eyes latched upon the cake that was in jackson’s hand.

 

_see they do care about you_

_‘thanks guys’_ was youngjae’s final thought has he closed his eyes.

 

“hyung!” bambam came in and worriedly pointed at youngjae’s body.

 

“relax, he just collapsed, we’ll put him bed, mark get him some medicine.” jinyoung said as he finished patching up youngjae’s scars. jaebum picked up youngjae and placed him gently on his bed in their room.

 

“rest well youngjae” jaebum whispered as he kissed youngjae’s cheek.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoped you liked this chapter! like i said in all my notes, do feel free to leave me feedback and comments! also those who use tumblr please tell me if you would lbe interested to read oneshots/imagines/requests and all that !


	5. FIVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> youngjae + nightmares

jaebum was startled awake from the whimpering he heard beside him. his eyes widened as he stared at the person next to him, who was whimpering in his sleep.

 

“jae? jae? are you awake?” jaebum asked softly. youngjae’s whimpers continues. jaebum glanced at his phone to check the time.

 

 _1.31am?_ the rest of them must be in bed already. jaebum placed his hand on youngjae’s cheek, to lightly wake him up. as he did so, youngjae squirmed and let out a sob. as tears started falling, jaebum was clueless on what to do and was worried.

 

“jae? youngjae wake up. it’s just a bad dream.” jaebum tried to shake youngjae awake.

 

youngjae’s sleepy figure slapped jaebum’s hand away.

 

“no! stop don’t touch me! please!”

 

“you-youngjae?” jaebum’s voice broke a little. jaebum didn’t know what to do. youngjae was crying so much from his nightmare. jaebum ran out of the room and into jinyoung’s room. he would know what to do.

 

“jinyoung!” jaebum slapped jinyoung as hard as he could to wake jinyoung up. jinyoung’s eyes fluttered open, he glared at jaebum. which on any normal occasion he would be scared.

 

“now’s not the time to get angry, come follow me! quick!” jaebum took jinyoung’s hand and pulled him towards youngjae.

 

“why what’s happening?” jinyoung harshly whispered. jinyoung stopped short as he saw youngjae’s dream state.

 

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry i’m not worth it. i know i know. i’m sorry i dragged the group down. please! please don’t hurt me!” youngjae’s shouts getting evidently clearly and his nightmare becoming worse by the passing second.

 

jinyoung quickly went to youngjae’s side. touching him lightly, he whispered softly.

 

“youngjae? youngjae wake up please. baby wake up.” jinyoung quietly shook youngjae. but this caused a quite soft push from the sleeping figure.

 

jinyoung pulled youngjae closer to him as he rocked his body back and forth while singing a soft lullaby. youngjae’s soft cried softened and slowly died down and went back to sleep.

 

“how’d you know that would have worked.” jaebum asked genuinely curious. jinyoung shrugged.

 

“natural instincts i guess.” jinyoung walked up to jaebum, shocking jaebum when he suddenly slapped him.

 

“what was that for? “ jaebum shouted while cradling his left cheek.

 

“for slapping me just now!”

 

“but it was an emergency situation! i couldn’t think of any other way to get you awake that fast.”

 

“you know damn well, that shaking me awake was enough to wake me up.” jinyoung grumbled as he walked back to his bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i know this chapter was quite short! i'm sorry! i'm been exhausted these few days so sorry i didn't update yesterday! but hope you liked this chapter although i didn't really have youngjae as a main character here. but do comment what you think! thanks!


	6. SIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "please let us help you"

 

youngjae groaned as he woke up from his sleep. he sat up and his eyes fell upon the sitting figure that was sitting cross legged beside him.

 

“oh you’re awake, quickly get ready, we have practice.” youngjae looked at his phone before jumping out of bed grabbing his clothes to change into after showering.

 

“why didn’t you wake me up hyung!”

 

“i figured to let you sleep in for a little bit.” jaebum stated. youngjae grumbled while running into the shower.

 

_you don’t think he purposefully woke you up late, so you will be late right? so you will be scolded?_

_why would he do that? he’s the leader, he’s going to get scolded too if you’re late._

_youngjae, you really don’t think that’s fishy?_

youngjae snapped out of his thoughts as the shower head he was holding dropped.

 

“youngjae are you okay?” jaebum shouted through the door.

 

“er yeah hyung.” although yongjae doesn’t really remember what happened last night, he knew that the rest of the members already saw what happened in the bathroom. he could tell jaebum was being cautious, he could tell everyone else were giving him more attention and he could definitely tell that everyone was tiptoeing around him, as if anything could cause youngjae to erupt.

 

youngjae could tell, youngjae knew. throughout the whole of practice they circled around youngjae, making sure he was never alone.

 

yet they still have yet to talk to youngjae about the night before.

 

that was until that night itself in the dorm after dinner, just when youngjae was about to excuse himself to throw up what he just ate, the boys sat him down.

 

“youngjae, we need to talk to you.” jinyoung started. the other boys nodded. youngjae knew what this was going to be about but decided to play dumb hoping that this was about something else.

 

“oh, about what?” youngjae asked.

 

“you know what this is about youngjae.” mark shared a hard look.

 

_don’t give in youngjae_

youngjae feigned ignorance.

 

“youngjae” jinyoung sighed.

“why did you _hurt yourself_.” jinyoung almost whispered. youngjae gulped but kept quiet.

 

“please youngjae, we want to help.” jackson said, his eyes watering.

 

_what a bunch of liars. help you?_

_youngjae, please let them in, they’re going to help you. they care about you so much._

_what do they understand? they can never understand you._

_but they can try to understand you._

youngjae couldn’t control as one tear when down his face. yugyeom went up and sat by youngjae’s knees.

 

he held younjae’s wrists lightly and looked into his eyes.

 

“please hyung let us help you. i promise i will spend more time with you. i promise to be by your side 24/7. just please let us in. just tell us. please. _please hyung._ ”

 

_“please share the burden with us hyung. don’t ever suffer alone.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! i know again this was short, but hope you enjoyed it! do comment and feed back about this chapter/work! thank you !!!!!


	7. SEVEN

youngjae swallowed. he could see the rest looking at him with those soft eyes from his peripheral vision.

 

and he almost gave in.

 

_almost_

 

_look at them youngjae, faking it, acting like they care about you. just when you open up to them, they will just make fun of you._

funnily enough, this time youngjae’s other inner thoughts did not have the time to say anything, because youngjae was up on his feet in no time and zoomed out the door.

 

following him was a few shouts and calls for him, but of course nobody chased him.

 

_‘why did nobody go after me?’_

_like i said youngjae, they don’t actually care. what gave you the idea that they cared about you?_

_‘no they care’_

“hopefully they care.” youngjae whispered as he speed walked past the very busy street he ran to. youngjae didn’t know what to do. it wasn’t like he planned to storm out. frankly, youngjae didn’t even know why he stormed out.

 

his feet just moved before his brain could process what he was doing. youngjae knew he pushed himself too far for the past month, but he couldn’t help but think that maybe it’ll be worth it, because then he would be able to spend time with the members without feeling guilty that he was in the group when there were so many other people who could do better than him.

 

and this time as youngjae, walked youngjae felt like he needed a distraction, he knew he couldn’t be left alone with his inner demons.

 

youngjae thought that maybe if he occupied himself then maybe just maybe, he would feel happier.

 

that was how youngjae found himself sitting down in an empty café with doyoung in front of you. youngjae recently got close to him and they both found themselves so alike.

 

youngjae smiled and talked with doyoung as if they’ve known each other for so long. youngjae never stopping to think about the rest.

 

that was until his phone started buzzing, he could ignore the first few calls, but after a while doyoung noticed and made youngjae pick up the call.

 

he shook his head and carried out vividly talking about the best croissants and cupcake. doyoung gave youngjae a confused look before glancing over at youngjae’s phone.

 

“jae, it’s jaebum calling, it might be important.”

 

“it’s nothing.” youngjae mumbled, his mood crashed as doyoung brought up jaebum.

 

“what’s wrong?” doyoung whispered and grabbed youngjae’s hand in a comforting hold. youngjae kept his mouth tightly sealed.

 

but as doyoung kept asking and reassuring him, he felt like doyoung could be trusted.

 

“i just- i just feel like the members find me useless.” youngjae whispered as a sob let it’s way out. doyoung’s grasped on youngjae tightened.

 

“why would you say that?” doyoung looked at youngjae’s face, eyes glossed with concern.

 

“they hate me. i can’t do anything right. i shouldn’t even be in the group.” doyoung’s eyebrows furrowed. silence followed.

 

_see youngjae, even he agrees, he can’t even make up an exc-_

“bullshit youngjae, you’re so talented. so many people look up to you, you worked your ass off to be where you are,”

 

_don’t listen to him youngjae, those are obviously excuses._

_“youngjae, you are talented. you are loved. you deserve the world.”_ doyoung let out softly. as if speaking any louder would break youngjae.

 

and finally for a second, youngjae believed every word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i know!!!! i'm so late on this update! i'm sorry! (◕︵◕) life has been catching up on me! but i hope you enjoyed this chapter! comment and leave some feed backs!!! i really love reading them!! hopefully, i can update almost everyday!! i'll try to, i promise!


	8. EIGHT

youngjae walked up to the door of the dorm and opened the door carefully. it was after 1 in the morning and he didn’t pick up any calls from any of the other members, not even yugyeom’s call. he spent the whole night with doyoung, doyoung never leaving his side once just in case.

 

youngjae never once felt small when he was with doyoung, it was as if doyoung was his guardian angel. youngjae just wished he felt like that when he was with his members.

 

“youngjae, where were you.” jaebum growled in anger as youngjae stepped through the door. youngjae closed his eyes, as if that would make him disappear. youngjae wished it was as easy as that.

 

“why didn’t you pick up any of our calls? do you know how _worried_ we were?” jaebum continued. youngjae clenched his fists in anger.

 

_relax youngjae you know he means well._

“are you even listening to me choi youngjae.” jaebum’s voice thundered. youngjae saw jaebum’s dark eyes as he looked up and faced jaebum.

 

“do you even want to be here? in this group? we swore to stick by each other, so what on _earth_ is going on with you? how much is it going to take for you to tell us what is happening? why are you so damn _problematic_?” youngjae clenched his jaw in anger.

 

“me? i’m problematic? i’ve been trying so hard not to get in your way this few weeks. and what i do is fully my problem, not yours. so i’m sorry _dad_ that i didn’t inform you. and yes i do want to be here, of course it doesn’t seem like it huh? with my terrible dancing, terrible looks and terrible voice. of course i don’t deserve to be here. seems like i’ve been working my ass for nothing huh? and you guys were _worried?_ did you even bother searching for me other than calling me on your phones the whole time? if you guys did get of your asses, you would have found that i was just a few blocks away. but of course, i’m not that worth it right? so don’t waste your energy. “ youngjae snapped. jaebum looked shocked. youngjae breathed heavily.

 

“you know what maybe i shouldn’t have come home.”

“this was wrong.” youngjae couldn’t stop a few tears from falling as he walked back towards the door to slam it and walk away. this time, he was clueless as to where he was heading to. all the shops were closed, everyone was sleeping apart from some teenagers, a few drunkards and partygoers making their was back home from the club.

 

_‘should i call doyoung?’_

_he can’t possible want to help you again? stop being clingy_

_he cares about you go ahead and call him, you need someone right now._

_‘oh wow i really don’t have anybody else.’_

youngjae hastily pressed in doyoung contact with his shaking hands and pressed it against his ear and tear stained cheek.

 

“hello youngjae? what happen? why are you calling me?” doyoung’s voice echoed through the phone. youngjae sniffled.

 

“jae, are you okay?”

 

“doyoung” youngjae whispered.

 

“can i come over?” youngjae managed to get out, not wanting to cry over the phone in the middle of the pavement.

 

“sure, but the rest of the members are at home, are you okay with that?” youngjae mumbled a yes and started walking towards doyoung’s dorm. the walk wasn’t that far away when all youngjae was alone with his thoughts. his negative, disruptive thoughts.

 

youngjae walked up to the door, hesitantly knocking on the door. which was quickly opened by mark. the other mark of course.

 

“youngjae hyung?” mark asked in confusion.

 

“mark, why are you still awake?” youngjae smiled though anyone could see from his face that he’d been crying.

 

doyoung came running as soon as he heard youngjae knocking on the door, pushing mark out of the way, doyoung smiled gently at the tear-stricken boy.

 

“come let’s get you settled in, i prepared some ice cream!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! hope this chapter was good!! leave me a comment!! and thank you for reading it this far! i'm really glad most of you guys have enjoyed this fic so far. i honestly thought the idea was a shit one. but yes thank you so much!!!


	9. NINE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my tumblr : squishymochisoo   
> you can request a one shot etc.! just try to keep it to the fandoms in my bio! hehehe thanks!

 

as doyoung and youngjae sat down next to each other, shoulders touching, ice cream tubs in each of their hand, youngjae sniffled trying to calm himself down before he starts crying for no specific reason. the dark room enveloped them in a comfort, that neither could describe. doyoung placed his hand on youngjae’s thigh in comfort.

 

“take your time, i’ll wait.” doyoung reassured youngjae. youngjae nodded.

 

“i just felt so overwhelmed. i didn’t even know why i shouted back at jaebum hyung?” a few tears made their way down. doyoung slowly brushed youngjae’s tears off with his fingers.

 

“i just came home and he started shouting at me. i just felt so angry. so damn angry when he told me they were worried sick. i was so angry when they acted like i put them through so much.” youngjae shook his head as he recalled the incident.

 

“i was furious when he asked whether i wanted to be in the group.” dooyung’s eyes widened as youngjae stated the words jaebum said less than an hour ago.

 

“i’ve been working my ass off. maybe to them i’m not even putting in any effort. i know i’m not that talented. but to say i’ve been sitting on my ass the whole time when i’ve working myself off the cliff, it just made me feel pathetic.” youngjae sighed as he stuffed a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. youngjae glanced at his phone lying on the coffee table.

 

“look none of them have yet to even contact me. guess i really don’t mean anything to them.”

 

_they don’t care youngjae. i mean who would care for you?_

“youngjae” doyoung started, not knowing how to help. sure doyoung was a great listener, but in youngjae’s case, doyoung was afraid that any wrong word could break youngjae.

 

doyoung was furious with youngjae’s members. why couldn’t they take care of youngjae better? they all knew how fragile youngjae could be, so why were they acting like that towards youngjae? it didn’t make sense to youngjae as to why they were being so harsh towards him all of a sudden?

 

doyoung was refraining himself from storming out of the dorm, and knocking on got7’s door to slap all of them and give them a lecture on treating people nicely. especially when that certain someone is as nice and sweet at choi youngjae.

 

“i don’t know anymore young.” youngjae sobbed.

 

“i can’t keep living like this.” youngjae pointed to himself.

 

“like what jae?” doyoung asked.

 

“i can’t keep living like a failure. i can’t keep pretending to smile all day. i can’t keep up with the rest of the members. i just can’t do anything.” doyoung wrapped his hands around youngjae.

 

“oh jae, you’re not a failure.” youngjae shook his head in denial.

 

“no jae listen, you’re the most sweetest, kindest human being i’ve ever had the chance to meet. not to mention your vocal talent? sure you might not be better than yugyeom at dancing or better than jackson at making people laugh. but you make people smile jae. honestly, that is the most important and greatest quality and charm anybody could have.” youngjae sniffled.

 

“really?”

“really.” doyoung nodded and smiled.

 

“now let’s get you to bed. you can use my bed tonight. i’ll crash with johnny hyung or something.” youngjae thanked doyoung repeatedly as doyoung dragged an exhausted youngjae to bed.

 

_thank you doyoung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again!!! hope you enjoyed this chapter! please comment what you think!! and also , follow my tumblr squishymochisoo, i'll be taking in requests for one shots etc.!! please request something on there!! and follow me!


	10. TEN

doyoung stared at youngjae’s phone from the sofa where he sat, as it rang continuously.

 

“should i pick it up?” doyoung whispered to himself. he glanced at his room door where youngjae was sleeping in.

 

_his members must be worried. even if they shouted at him, they would want to know that youngjae is safe and fine._

doyoung hesitantly moved towards youngjae’s phone.

 

_is it okay for me to do this? i mean it’s youngjae’s phone._

doyoung brushed off his self-conscience as he tried to think about how he would feel if he was in got6’s shoes, worrying about youngjae.

 

as doyoung picked up the phone, jinyoung’s worried voice boomed through the phone.

“thank god you picked up youngjae. i was so worried sick, i came back from the grocery shopping to find jaebum freaking out and telling me you walked off, i was so worried, youngjae are you saf-“

 

“hyung, it’s me doyoung.”

 

“doyoung? like nct doyoung?” jinyoung questioned, wondering when did youngjae got closer to doyoung.”

 

“yes, and don’t worry youngjae is safe. he’s at the dorm currently and asleep. he crashed as soon as he laid down in my bed.” doyoung heard jinyoung let out a sigh of relief. doyoung let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

 

_at least jinyoung cares. maybe youngjae misread the whole situation?_

“hyung, can i ask you something?” jinyoung ‘hmm’ed in response.

 

“why has youngjae been acting weird?” doyoung asked jinyoung pretending not to know, when youngjae told just a few hours ago.

 

“i’m really not sure. we all realized something at first but didn’t want to bring it up, because normally jae would share it with us. but when we found jae on the bathroom floor that day with blood, i couldn’t breathe.” jinyoung sighed out loud.

 

“i want to help him, we all do.”

 

“hyung-“ doyoung started. at first, doyoung thought that the members were treating him badly, but it seems that maybe this was more than how the members treated youngjae and this was more than youngjae’s insecurities towards his members.

 

doyoung realized this problem was much more than what he thought it was originally. it was not than complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes this was too short!! i apologize!!!! i'm so sorry for not feeding you with longer chapters!! but hope you enjoyed this chapter! comment and leave a feed back!! see youuu guys!!
> 
> follow my tumblr!! : squishymochisoo


	11. ELEVEN

 

“hyung let’s meet up together with youngjae? maybe we can help him” doyoung asked.

 

“okay tomorrow morning at 10? at youngjae’s usual café?” doyoung hummed in response.

 

That night doyoung laid on the couch his mind filled with his thoughts.

 

_it is okay for youngjae to meet up with jinyoung? is this selfish of me? is it selfish that i want to help youngjae but dragging him to meet up with jinyoung might be against his will? if this goes wrong, youngjae might never confide in me again. he’s extremely sensitive right now, it is really a good time to meet jinyoung?_

doyoung laid awake with his thoughts clouding his mind. and surprisingly, doyoung couldn’t get a wink of sleep that night, worrying about how youngjae would react to seeing jinyoung. doyoung sighed and sat up as he rubbed his eyes that had dark circle around them.

as he walked into his room after his shower, he saw youngjae sitting on his bed, wide awake.

 

“jae?” youngjae looked up surprised that doyoung was awake.

 

“get ready! we’re going to get breakfast.” doyoung pushed youngjae towards the shower with some of his own clothes.

 

doyoung sat across youngjae in the café. youngjae still doesn’t suspect anything. both of them slurped on this coffee with their breakfast in front of them.

 

“thanks for yesterday. i really appr-“ youngjae started coughing as he choked on his coffee when his eyes wondered behind doyoung. doyoung’s eyes widened as he reached out to pat youngjae’s back.

 

“jae? are you okay? what happened?” doyoung asked worriedly. as youngjae shook his head, eyes still focused on something behind dooyung.

 

“youngjae.” the voice behind doyoung started.

 

“what are you doing here?” youngjae managed to whisper out.

 

“youngjae, i was worried about you.” jinyoung walked closer to the table to sit next to youngjae. youngjae moved slightly away from jinyoung. hurt flashed through jinyoung’s eyes as youngjae did so.

 

“young did you tell him i was going to be here?” youngjae whispered an angry accusation towards his friend. doyoung couldn’t say anything.

 

“i thought you were my friend.”

 

“jae listen-“ doyoung started.

“no! you listen! why didn’t you respect my wishes? i needed time and i didn’t want to see them.” youngjae sneered. doyoung’s heart broke as youngjae spoke to him in such a tone. doyoung’s eyes widened, clueless as what to reply youngjae.

 

“calm down youngjae, doyoung just wanted to help you. we care about you so much. so damn much. don’t ever think we don’t. do you know that the other members spent the night worrying and crying? they don’t even know that i’m with you right now.”

 

“even when doyoung reassured that you were safe, we were constantly worrying about you.”

“so _please_ don’t ever think that we don’t care about you. _please._ ” jinyoung begged youngjae grabbing his hands. youngjae paused for a while. not knowing what to say. youngjae finally slowly nodded his head.

 

“okay, how- how are you going to help me?” youngjae stuttered. jinyoung looked at doyoung.

 

“i spent all night thinking about what you told me. and i figured maybe- maybe” doyoung paused and swallowed.

 

“maybe what?” youngjae questioned. jinyoung looked as curious with doyoung’s idea.

 

“i know someone.” managed to say after a while.

 

“someone?” jinyoung asked very confused and youngjae looking as confused.

 

“a therapist.” doyoung said quickly.

 

“a therapist? there’s nothing wrong with me!” youngjae shouted. gaining attention towards the trio.

 

“jae, it’s worth a shot please. i don’t know how to help you get better.” doyoung pleaded.

 

“please youngjae, just attend once to see what the therapist might say.” jinyoung begged youngjae.

 

youngjae closed his eyes for a minute. before nodding slowly, still not fond of the idea his friend posed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! yes i haven't been uploading everyday and have been missing a few days of uploading! i'm sorry! i recently just started school again! and it's been lowkey hectic. but hope you enjoy this chapter!!! comment and leave a feed back!!
> 
> follow me on tumblr! squishymochisoo!  
> and i'm not sure if i want to give out my twitter but give me a heads up if you want my twitter! :)


	12. TWELVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes! i know i went on a very long hiatus! i'm sorry and i'd like to apologize. i've been caught up with school and all and life! i'm sorry. i probably will not update as frequently but i will try to okay!

one month later—

 

“hyung i think he’s getting better,” doyoung whispered on the phone to jinyoung. his back turned against youngjae who was too busy enjoying his favourite cheesecake.

 

after a month of therapy, twice a week, sometimes even thrice a week if youngjae’s schedule persist. youngjae began to slowly get better. he started eating more, smiling more, talking to his members more. he seemed more open about himself rather than keeping his feelings to himself. there was a difference and everyone noticed it.

 

youngjae felt more alive then he’d ever been for the last two months. youngjae felt accomplished. he felt like he jumped over a huge hurdle that god placed in front of him.

 

his members were cautious at first on how they were around youngjae, which made youngjae felt like he was glass. but when youngjae started getting better, everyone felt a sense of relief wash over them. they felt as if the storm was over.

 

well, the storm was over. it was over till that day came, that one day in april, during that one fansign.

 

it was a typical fansign, you know fans queuing up, excited to meet their idols. all seven of them all smiley and joking around playing with each other and their fans.

 

youngjae smiled at the girl who carefully slided her copy of the album towards youngjae and whispered,

 

“you know, you’re my favourite member!” she leaned away and gave a toothy grin that made youngjae smile back as big. youngjae thanked her and spoke with her before the next fan started pushing her in front.

 

youngjae looked up at the fan who, and gave a slightly disappointing look towards her. he checked on the girl he ws talking to and smiled at her motioning for her to move infront.

 

the fangirl sat herself in front of the table, with a smirk, youngjae couldn’t quite comprehend. she slowly slid a piece of paper in front of him. youngjae smiled and placed the paper by his side promising that he would read the note later.

 

he stretched out his had asking for the album, so that he could sign it. the girl shook her head slowly, she grinned once more motioning once again to the piece of paper she slid. youngjae gave the girl an uneasy look.

 

he picked up the white paper.

 

 _‘do you really think you deserve to be here? because i don’t. most of us here don’t think you deserve to be here. you should get a reality check. and maybe while you’re at it kill yourself-‘_ youngjae quickly put down the note. he couldn’t bear to read it any longer. he looked up to the girl in front of him who only smirked and walked away to this other members.

 

youngjae looked around and quickly stuffed the letter in his pocket.

 

_‘youngjae, promise yourself that you’ll throw it away’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you've enjoyed this chapter! and i'm sorry!!!


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